Friday, August 19, 2011

Baby, you shouldn't be wearing that.

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where's my Jiaper....


Very classy...$$$$
Attention all mother's, aunt's, besties, etc. look around you and tell me what is happening to the youth of America.  I mean let's start with newborns to post-college people.  So, your baby was blessed with a head of hair, Dad.  This is not the green light to put "product" in it.  Actually it probably has toxins in it and you have been  maniacally poisoning your baby.  Bravo Dad.  And to the mother's that spray tan their kids for the sake of the "Tiny Miss Sweet Potato" crown, the devil himself does not know what to do with you.  Look, I am guilty of putting a little lippy and rouge on my niece, BUT, for fun-not money.  I recently attended a funeral and during the grave site could not take my eyes off of a ten year old girl maybe eleven in a tiered black crinoline mini with a bright purple and black leopard print top.  To top it off she had on tween heels.  To the cobbler who cobbled these in a dark room in China, your pyre is being prepared too.  Ok, so I could not help but stare at her and contemplate ways how I could make money off of her.  I honest to God,  thought of locations and pictured her awkardly walking up and down the drive-thru at McDonalds to give me some extra jingle for my trip to Napa.  I pictured me sitting at a table overlooking a vineyard, bottles of wine surrounding me and all my "benjamins" scattered about. I then looked at her mother and realized she got it honest.  Her mother looked like a madam.  Needless to say I went home and put a pink Feltman brothers dress on my 6 month old and treated her like the infant she is.  I have made mistakes like the purchase of the Jiaper-the denim diaper.  The person who created these is probably sitting in a mobile home in Arizona without his severence package, just wishing the numbers would have been better.  I bought them because my severly conservative husband would have a coronary and I would get a laugh while changing a poopy diaper.  Not only does my daughter look like a token redneck, but she looks like a man.  I swear if I gave her a stache and some boots she could be in the next Stetson commercial.  I will say something nice, they fit her like a glove.  And they are on sale. EVERYWHERE.  Here's the deal people, dress your kids the age they are, not what is cool or trendy for YOU. Do not buy your daughter "Bratz"- they look like slutty little meth-heads that would jack your car or slice your throat in a New York minute.  Do not let your kids play violent video games like "Grand Theft Auto".  Seriously?  What happened to linkin' logs or books, for the love of God make your kids read.  Katie Holmes should be teaching her child Mandarin, but unfortunately she probably knows the Spring Couture line-up at Bryant Park.  Lose the heels Suri, I mean it, you look trashy.  I am going to attach some appropiate picture's and continue to add more as I find them or take them. I really wish I had brought my camera to that funeral...


  1. im dying. i have tears everywhere. it honest to god took me 15 minutes to read i was laughing so hard. tip buy all the jaipers everywhere and cover it with a diaper cover all the time.

  2. I love this. I only just now realized that Tallulah's jaiper is the equivalent to jeggings, ie: denim. I thought it was a nod to Jaipur, ie: Indian.
    I believe a photo shoot with her in the jaiper & Indian garb is in order. At the very least a jangly necklace, head-wrap, and kohl-rimmed eyes.
    Come on.

  3. Love your blog, Charlotte. And LOVE this post. Right on and too funny. Can't agree more. This also applies to boys, if you can picture it ... I'm just trying to think of how to explain that. I guess for me, it's more in the fact that it's OK for boys to wear T-shirts and board shorts, not monogrammed jumpers. ...

    -Ash M.

  4. Ash M.,
    I agree boys are a lot more difficult to dress as infants, toddlers, etc. Unlike the quick 80's fix of throwing your kid in a jogging suit and calling it a day,the dress code has become more difficult. The smocked jumper for a boy has its place and a lot of my friends dress their little boys in these jumpers which I find cute and then my friends little boy wears little board shorts and button downs and looks so darn cute I could eat him. Put it this way my neighbor told me yesterday that he came home from per-school begging his mom to buy him new clothes because he was getting picked on
    for wearing smocked jumpers. So, to each their own and if your child is getting bullied for dressing like a little sissy- help him out.

  5. I am guilty of the smocked john johns for my beautiful baby boy... and he gets called a girl a lot :) But he has the rest of his life to wear khakis and polos!!! I love the little boy outfits and sailor suits... can't help it. But Char, I never even contemplated jiapers. That is really really funny!!