Thursday, January 19, 2012

Golden Globe Garnishes, Goblins, and Gazelles Oh My!

I would honestly frame this and put it in my house.

Latest Dernier Cri*

Hello World and devoted readers, I have missed you and thank you humbly for your determination to get my Shaq hands back on the keyboard... Did you know I can palm a basketball?  I am, wait for  it, PREGNANT again and for some strange reason with the surprise of being pregnant for like what feels like 735 days straight I go straight to the dogs.  I lose my lust for life and become consumed with my physiological state.  I have been nauseous my entire first trimester and have eaten enough Nauzeme to turn a mauvy pink hue.  If that could just happen on the apples of my cheeks it would be perfect.  I call my first trimester "the Darkness".  I go somewhere uncontrollably dark and cannot find the light.  It simulates depression, but I really want to be happy and I feel like being happy, but this incredible hormonal tidal wave knocks me down and makes me throw up every time I brush my teeth.  ANYWAY-- it is over and I am past the three month hump and feel like a little blue bird on the first day of Spring.  My belly button is starting to be an outey again which disturbs me and tickles me all at the same time.  Henceforth, I have a sense of humor again and can write my witty bitty Dernier Cri.  The Golden Globes were full of hits and misses and I have to say the year for movies just-- well kinda sucked.  Thank God television has started making watchable hits again.  First,  I will start with the fashion with none other than Elle Mc"Fierce"son.  Are you kidding me, she is a Thoroughbred if I have ever seen one.  She gets better looking every second, yes, second.  Also her hair is pretty and her jeweled bangles were to die for.  I don't care why she was there.  It is called eye-candy and she makes people happy, or maybe she makes men and lesbians happy, but she made me happy too.  She is also what I refer to as a "double dessert", a Blondie/Brownie.  The rare binary of having blonde hair and brown eyes. Emma Stone looked a wee bit goth, but I really love her, so she looked great. (The Help for me was undoubtedly the best movie of the year.) Not as great as the coral Calvin Klein  dress from last year, but great.  Claire Danes, I like you I really do.  Temple Grandin made me think of you as an accomplished actor, but black and white?  Did your White House- Black Market have a gown sale?  Plus, your make-up looked scary and done by Kristen Stewart.  Congratulations otherwise and please don't f up at the Oscars.  And please bring your hottie husband Hugh Darcy.  Michelle Williams, you nailed Marilyn Monroe in what was otherwise considered a waste of my time movie.  I thought you really captured the essence of her idiocy all the while embodying her vulnerability, fragility, and innate sexiness.  Well done.  Your dress I can live with, you are different, but the head band, just grow your hair out already.  Charlize Theron I barely saw you because you just blended with your own skin, lose the head band and go brighter or bluer.  I  would like to see you in a color one could find on the beach in a piece of sea-glass.  Angelina,  it is so obvious you deplore Ryan Seacrest, but when you throw your accent and belittle him on the red-carpet it makes me want to kick you in your protruding hip bone and honestly what kind of example are you really setting for those starving kids you visit every where by being so skinny?.  Did you know in their country you are probably found super unattractive?  I bet you are rushing to your nearest In and Out to get a Double/Double with french fries "animal style".  And lose the fake accent, it sounds stupid.  You are from California.  That's it, just California, so stop trying to sound all dreamy and foreign.  Just California.  You have no accent.  Heidi Klum, your hips don't lie and the fact that you have had 4 kids and still look hawesome. (hot+awesome) I am a wee bit annoyed, but at least your dress was really, really bad ass.  The turquoise was to die for.  Jessica Biel--  I could have hated it, but I did not.  It was like a foreshadowment to your future wedding with Justin Timberlake.  It was Victorian and sa-sa sexy.  Madonna.  First, I would like to start with saying I detest Madonna.  She has always made my skin crawl.  I am sure I am the only person in America and beyond that  that feels this way, but it is the truth for me.  I did not like her style in the 80's, 90's or 2000's.  She also adopted an unknown accent, not to mention a new religion and identify every year.  I will add something positive by saying I loved the music from Dick Tracy and Evita.  I also liked a Dolce and Gabbana suit she wore when Evita first came out and also a Tom Ford for Gucci suit she rocked a long time ago, but that is it!  Let's all take a moment to reflect that she is from Michigan, was Catholic, and loose as a goose.  She rose to fame and has taken many prisoners along the way, and this would all be cool, if she was sweet as Michigan apple pie.  But!  She thinks her shitake doesn't stink and that bugs me.  I think the truth prevailed when she accepted her Golden Globe for a song I have never heard of and a movie I am actually dying to see W.E. (she directed it) She tried so hard to sound intelligent and fell short at every "UM".  I started getting really uncomfortable and tiny bit embarrassed for the material girl.  She honest to God was trying so hard.  Put it this way Megan Fox would have done a better job, nuff said.  I hope.  The big winners of the evening for me were all the ethnic attendants .  Sofia, Salma, Frida, Octavia, Viola-- you made my night.  You girls brought the spice and the charm and the gold to the Globes.  With it being Martin Luther King Day, I feel there was something that would have made him happy about that evening.  Races did come together and the ones made weak by past adversity showed up strong and well spoken and breath-taking, and humorous.  These ladies made my night.  Modern Family never disappoints and once again I was pleased as a pickle for their win.  Reese- bow chica wow-wow!  Zooey- that little annoying side burn ruined it for me- but you are still cute, Natalie- your dress reminds me of a Barbie I owned in 1986, and lastly Paula Patton who I would like to refer to as Miss Golden Globes Congeniality 2012.  She posed on the red carpet with what must have been 100000000 different angles and facial contortions.  I was starting to get a migraine from her angles, air kisses, and fake laughs.  I mean she was hamming it up more than Chapin in a silent.  It was so over the top I started to question her sanity.  I then watched inside the awards show.  When someone won she would give them a standing ovation like she was their wet nurse from infancy.  It was humiliating.  I felt like someone needed to take her to a side and tell her to "stop, just, stop".  Please google it.  It was weird.  Who the hell is she anyway?  Well my little fillies, I have missed you.  I have made it through the "darkness" and I am 14.5 weeks pregnant.  I will try not to bore you with my personal life too much, but you will hear about it and it will probably make you laugh.  Here's to being pregnant in 2010, 2011, and 2012.  Can someone say "birth-control".  Just kidding, I am honored and blessed by God's willingness to shine on me.  I am a moon beam and so are you, and so are you.
God Speed,
Viola Brava- a class act.

totally different, and wee dark

1986 Holiday Barbie- I own you!

this would be great without the weird go-go girl wispy thing.


Top 3 best dressed.

Marriage is doing you right.

"Um, hello, flex, um I would like to spank, I mean thank my contemporaries, um, flex.  I am Madonna, um, flex" GAG

Michelle- beautiful color and dress.  Sofia-  you would look good in a burlap sack

just gorgeous.

Is it me or are you aging bad Cam?  Try Rodan and Fields.  My sister sells it.

really beautiful.

if you DVR'd the awards please watch her.  It will amaze you.

No likey. 

You nailed in Salma.

here comes the bride...

Best dressed of the evening and she had on lavender Louboutin's too.  Simply perfect.

1 comment:

  1. I hate Madonna too, you're not alone